McCain Has Sold His Soul: Jon Stewart

Jon Stewart is flabbergasted at John McCain’s recent assertion that “I never considered myself a maverick.” The Comedy Central host doesn’t “even f---ing need to” toss to a montage showing how often McCain has claimed the maverick label. Despite all of the Arizona senator’s flip-flops, “you always felt like he maintained a controlling interest in his soul,” says Stewart. But now it’s like “printing your soul on Zimbabwe dollars.”

McCain’s latest vote-getting ploy is like “Rudy Giuliani comin' out and going, ‘Hey, I never mentioned 9/11. What are you talkin' ‘bout?'” continues Stewart, according to Gawker. “It's like ‘I Can't Believe It's Not Butter' saying ‘I never believed I was butter!'” Come on. “IT'S ON THE CONTAINER!” Stewart thinks he sees where McCain is going with this. “McCain is shorting his own soul.” When it hits bottom, he’ll buy “soul default swaps,” and “come election time he’ll still get his taxpayer bailout and get reelected. Because John McCain is too big to fail.” (More Jon Stewart stories.)