How to Be a Crappy Bartender

Having woken up with a burr under his saddle (if not also perhaps a hangover) after a bad night at the bar, Derek Brown brings some tips on how to be bad bartender:

• No need to give customers what they really want. “Nothing says first class like treating the customer second class,” Brown writes for the Atlantic.
• All customers really want is to get drunk. “People don’t enjoy the taste of alcohol and don’t care about a well-made drink. They’re out to get sloshed.”

• Your time is much better spent chatting with co-workers. “You’re an actor, musician, or struggling artist. Getting drinks is beneath you. You work hard and you’ve earned a break. Lean like you mean it.”
• Measured, shaken, stirred, swizzled? Nah, none of the above. “Just put it in the glass and give the customer a stirrer while mindlessly parroting ‘Enjoy,’ or, better yet, say nothing.”

(More bartender stories.)