Mag Posts 'Conservative Version' of History

'The New Yorker' assembles history using quotes from conservatives
By Neal Colgrass,  Newser Staff
Posted Sep 22, 2012 4:43 PM CDT
Mag Posts 'Conservative Version' of History
Signers of the Declaration of Independence, who eradicated all slavery, according to Michele Bachmann.   (Wikimedia Commons)

A "liberal version" of history might also make for good reading, but the New Yorker has beaten conservatives to the punch by posting "A Conservative History of the United States." Here are a few key moments, each inspired by a rather inventive quotation:

  • 1500s: Colonists fight the Revolutionary War. "The reason we fought the revolution in the sixteenth century was to get away from that kind of onerous crown," said Rick Perry.
  • 1775: The Revolution starts in—you guessed it—New Hampshire. "What I love about New Hampshire … You’re the state where the shot was heard around the world," said Michele Bachmann.
  • 1861: The Civil War begins, matching "individual rights as proclaimed in the Declaration of Independence against collective rights," to quote The Weekly Standard.
  • 1916: Planned Parenthood starts clinics to perpetrate genocide. "When Margaret Sanger—check my history—started Planned Parenthood, the objective was to put these centers in primarily black communities so they could help kill black babies before they came into the world," said Herman Cain.
  • 1961: The Soviets brainwash an unsuspecting young man. "Soviet Russian Communists knew of Barack from a very early date … he was raised and groomed Communist to pave the way for their future," to quote Janet Porter.
  • 1999: Global warming is long gone. “For the last decade the climate has been cooling," said Mary Matalin.
  • September 11, 2001: All quiet. "We had no domestic attacks under Bush," said Rudy Giuliani.
  • 2011: George W Bush has Osama bin Laden assassinated. "Thanks to George Bush …. Because if Obama had his way we wouldn’t have gotten bin Laden, you know that," said Sean Hannity.
Click to read the full "history." (More American history stories.)

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