Guy 'Fesses Up to Everything in Own Obituary

Seems Val Patterson had a lot to get off his chest
By Polly Davis Doig,  Newser Staff
Posted Jul 17, 2012 2:45 PM CDT
Guy 'Fesses Up to Everything in Own Obituary
Val Patterson really wasn't a PhD. In fact, "I never graduated," he wrote in his obituary.   (Shutterstock)

Val Patterson died last week after a bout with throat cancer that gave him time to write a doozy of an obituary, in which the 59-year-old Utahan came clean about pretty much everything. "Now that I have gone to my reward," Patterson wrote with all the honesty of a dying man, "I have confessions and things I should now say." Highlights, via the AP and Patterson's obituary:

  • On that whole 'PhD' he allegedly had: "I didn't even graduate." It was a clerical error that happened when he went to pay off his student loans. "In fact, I never did even learn what the letters 'PhD' even stood for."

  • To the electronic engineers he worked with: "I'm sorry, but you have to admit my designs always worked very well, and I always made you laugh."
  • As for 'that really mean Park Ranger:' "It was me that rolled those rocks into your geyser and ruined it. I did notice a few years later that you did get Old Faithful working again."
  • Furthermore: "I AM the guy who stole the safe from the Motor View Drive back in June 1971. I could have left that unsaid, but I wanted to get it off my chest."
  • And seriously: "My regret is that I felt invincible when young and smoked cigarettes when I knew they were bad for me. Now, to make it worse, I have robbed my beloved Mary Jane of the two of us growing old together. I feel such the thief now—for stealing so much from her."
  • And Patterson's final advice: "If you want to live forever, then don't stop breathing, like I did."
Click for his entire self-penned obituary. (More obituary stories.)

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