In a new book, Kate McCann reveals that she felt suicidal after daughter Madeleine went missing in Portugal four years ago. "I had an overwhelming urge to swim out across the ocean, as hard and as fast as I could; to swim and swim and swim until I was so far out and so exhausted I could just allow the water to pull me under and relieve me of this torment," she writes. "I wasn't keeping that desire to myself, either. I was shouting it out to anyone who happened to be in the room."
"Somehow, inflicting physical pain on myself seemed to be the only possible way of escaping my internal pain," she continues. As for why she appeared to be so composed at the time, McCann explains that she was in shock, the Telegraph reports. "It's quite frightening when I see myself in those early days," she says. "To me I look incredibly fragile and confused and lost." (Read more Madeleine McCann stories.)